pull me out from inside

There is so much inside that seems like it is trying to force it's way out.

Most of it involves tears.

So much about so many things.

I think I am scared of the terrifyingness of life.

Ironic.


music: "I'm Not Sleeping" -- Counting Crows

unseen

So, I thought my back was sore today just from the sheer amount of use that it has been getting lately... And then I remembered when I woke up from my nap that I had stood up in one of the trucks at FedEx right into the bottom of a metal shelf. Yeah. Kinda hurt. But what are ya gonna do? Just gotta walk it off, right? Right. So that's what I did.

Possibly more coming in the next couple of days. Or maybe next week sometime. I'll let ya know... :(


"Arms Of A Woman" -- Amos Lee

the click five

So, I'm beginning to wish that I wasn't so vague as I am at times... This is coming from reading some of my old entries from a year or more ago and not being able to remember what I was talking about in my vague ramblings. Oops. I guess sometimes I just needed to get the general feelings out and wasn't so concerned about the actual events. Although, now it would sure be nice to know some of the actual events as well. Oh well.

I realize I really haven't said a whole lot on here in the last few months. Guess I have been spending a good deal of my time that I have been away from work on the phone with a certain 5'11" red-head... :) And, at least up through a week ago, I'd been spending a good deal of the rest of my time either at work or sleeping.

But my regular job is rather sketchy, to say the least, lately. So time spent working has been greatly reduced in the last week. Time spent looking for work has been greatly increased. There are a couple possibilities out there right now, just need to figure out if they are things that I shoud do or not. And the possibilities that I have been finding job postings for and emailing my resume in to...I haven't heard back from. Which is always fun.

But enough about the job...seems like that is just the trend right now... And I do still have a job at least. Just not really a whole lot to do there most days.

The weather is finally getting colder. At least for a couple of days. And it is actually supposed to snow up in the mountains tonightish, it sounds like. Now if we could just get some of that snow down here. Which reminds me...I should've checked to see if my sandbags are still in my parent's garage or if I need to get new ones for this winter. I don't think I actually ever put them in my truck last year. Probably not the best of ideas, as I did end up facing the wrong way a few times on the little side street that our office is on. But it's a curvy road and sometimes I just forget that I shouldn't be so forceful on the gas pedal when the ground is icy...

And...I think that may be all for now. Time to go read H.P. again...only 3 and a half books left this time around and then I think I may actually try to find something new to read. Or just reread some Shakespeare or Dickens. Yeah, that actually sounds like a good idea.


music: "Trouble" -- Ray LaMontagne

you and i

mood: pure contentment and joy

mama don't come

Well, I guess seen as how I am the one who hasn't been up to see Mama for the past three weeks...it would more accurately be "me" who don't come. Wow, that is just a picture of bad grammar right there. :)

So, it's been like a month. Lots has happened. Most of it work. Last week may have been the second most hours worked in a week by myself. Somewhere in the low seventies... Not too bad except for the fact that I sorta got sick somewhere in there. But I think I am turning the corner on that now. Or at least am standing on the corner. But I really would like to be all the way turned and down the next block by this weekend, as I am making a trip to see Shannon! Just a little excited about this!!! Ok, so maybe like REALLY excited. But it's getting close to two months from the last time I was able to stop there on my way to/from MN. Just way too long to be separated from someone you love. But Friday I am picking up her best friend here in CO and mini road-tripping it to Nebrasky for the weekend.

Other than that, just lots of late nights and busy weeks. Pretty much the norm for me. Just been getting to talk more than normal, so not as many words left over in my quota for the days to write on here much... :)

Going to get some sleep now. Ooh, still need to make that list. Well, it can wait for tomorrow night...


music: Robert Francis (he opened at one of the concerts I went to this spring, pretty decent)

blue eyes crying in the rain

So. It's just shy of a month since I've posted. I know, I know. There are those of you out there that had grown accustomed to using this blog (or at least the old one) as an excuse to fill in some time at the office when you just didn't want to work, and I've let you down. There are probaby even some who have quit checking in entirely so you won't ever even know that I started writing again, finally... But in my defense, I've been a little on the busy side of things and I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me to go to bed earlier and take better care of myself. And I've actually been trying to listen.

But really, life has been sota crazy lately. And then I finally had a weekend pretty much devoid of work (for once) and I went on what some would call "a Ken Kleven special"...which translates into a 17 mile hike in the mountains. Yeah... And now that it's Tuesday night and I feel recovered from that, I am going to resume running tomorrow morning at 6am. :)

But really, this whole trying to take better care of myself thing is good. I feel better already, and really it is a more enjoyable way to live. Usually...

So, without getting into well, anything, that I had intended to write about, I am going to stop for the night and get some sleep.

"Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!" -- Charles Dickens


music: "Annie" -- Safetysuit

2 in a row!?

Yes, you are reading that correctly. Two wins in a row. Bringing the season total to three! I know, I know...that stil leaves two fingers on one hand free, not to mention an entire of the other hand. And this was the last game of the season. But there is a tourney next week, with a potential of 4 games to win! But regaurdless...three wins for this team is pretty decent. And three other games, in back-to-back-to-back weeks, that were lost by a total of four runs. So I'm pretty excited about our chances next week. Think we have a definite shot at making a run for the trophy!

More importantly, I am slowly figuring out how to live with myself again actually having to figure out what to do with "free time". I tell you, NEVER say that you aren't going to do anything anymore and expect God to just let it slide. I think He is having Himself a good chuckle with me right now. As far as me saying I wasn't going to do long-distance anymore. Yeah, kinda forgot the small fact that we don't really get to pick those details out when God leads someone into your life. You just have to roll with what the facts are. But really, I'm always looking for excuses for road trips and rarely come up with anything good. Now I have ample reasons. If I could just get gas prices to cooperate... So this first week has been a bit of an adjustment. And I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always make the proper, "tweakages" shall we say, with the adjustment wrench. But that's what learning is all about. There are always ways to be happy and joyful. Often, it's just a matter of forcing yourself to not to see how rough and badly to you have things, but rather how great and awesome things still are. And things are awesome and wonderful!

Hmm...some milk, and then sleep. Definitely sleep.


music: "Fix You" -- Coldplay (hey, I just have the iTunes set on random, not my fault its programming can be freakishly intuitive)

mrs. potter's lullaby

So yesterday I had to help Shannon pck up her car and watch as she drove off to Nebraska for school. Gotta be honest, not my favorite day ever. Amazingly, today I discovered that I can still breathe. Not quite as well as I can when she is here by my side, or even in the same city"ish" area as myself. But, shallow and painful as it may be, my breaths are still coming. In and out, in and out. (no, not the burger place)

Perhaps this morning's inaugural run of the Lonely Man's Running Club (the tshirts are at the screeners, membership available at your local running shops) didn't help with the whole breathing thing...but maybe it did. At least it got me up and out of bed this morning. Which is always a good start to the day. Actually getting up. Not backing down from our fears and our difficulties and trying to hide beneath the blackness of sleep. Awakening to another beautiful day that our Creator has placed on our doorsteps. Carpe diem, if you will.

"And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground"

I think, perhaps, that I do feel a little like a prize fighter that just won the fight of their lives only to get cold-cocked by their opponent while the referee is still lifting their arm in victory. But then again, a prize won without a struggle is barely a prize at all. And no, I don't consider Shan a prize to be won, but I think this analagy is more reffering to whatever God has in store for this relationship and the path that we wil get to travel on our way there. And at this point, every day feels like a prize given to me and I am so thankful for each one and for every one to come.

And...now I think it's really time to get some sleep. "For reals." :)


music: "Slow Dancing" -- U2 featuring Willie Nelson (so happy to have shuffle play on iTunes!)

i never liked the rain...

...till I walked through it with you.

Strange how sometimes lines from old songs just come back to you at the most random times.

So before I forget, it seems like forever since I've done the weekly softball update! Actually, I could've done t last week. I really have no idea anymore. Life has been so much more than just softball lately. And this week's game was definitely one to be forgotten. So let's just move on, shall we?

In other news...Yes, apparently Facebook is as addictive as people warned me about. Thankfully I don't have a lot of time to spare on it, but it does take more of my time than I would care to admit. And I definitely check it SO many times a day to see if anyone (my sister or Shannon) have sent me any new peices of flair. I know, I know. Pathetic. Ah well.

This morning, for work, I was assigned the grueling task of taking the work vans in for oil changes. Before leaving the office I was a little sad and annoyed with myself for still not ever going to pick up a new book to read, cause if I had done this at some point I would have had something to read while waiting instead of just having to sit there doing nothing. Then I remembered the fact that I had one of my Bibles in my truck still. So I grabbed this and was able to read I think the first four or five chapters at which point I had to stop as I was already overwhelmed with the awesome promises God makes to us in those verses. I'm excited to read more. Seems as though it has been so long since I've cared about what truths are in the Bible, and now that I'm just scratching the surface of it again I can't believe that I ever allowed myself to go so far from someone who loves me so much.

Oh, I should probably mention... Just cause this is a new blog and sort of a new attitude in my life doesn't mean that my thought processes or writing is going to be any more organized or any less random. Just thought ya'll should know just in case you thought that that was going to change as well....

Now, it's past time for some sleep, so I am off to bed. Sure do love having a computer at home again. God just supplies is some unexpected and wonderful ways!

music: actually not listening to anything right now. suprising, yes, but sometimes you just have to listen to the sounds of silence (yes, i know that's a song)

fishin in the dark

I just received a link for this Garrison Keillor article and thought I'd share.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-oped0618keillorjun18,0,4344132.column
I actually used to listed to A Prairie Home Companion as often as I could while I was growing up. I know, maybe a little strange for a teenager to do, but hey I've never denied being a nerd... There's just something so peaceful and relaxing about listening to the stories Keillor would spin and the interesting musical guests he would have. This article helped remind me that sometimes you just need to slow down and stop being bothered by people and be a person to them. Don't know if that really makes any sense, so...

Moving Saturday! And I should actually get some sleep tonight so that should be good. I think my rough estimate of the at least 15 hours behind on sleep that I made in my last post should have probably been closer to 30-ish hours...and I'm pretty sure that I haven't been catching up at all... Maybe need to work on at least not losing any more ground.


music: The Format (good band)

plans of mice and men

I haven't posted in quite a while. Even by my standards. What can I say? Times have been busy. But in an extraordinarily happy way that I really could never have imagined even possible. But more on that later... Right now, more on the "why" of the start of a new blog. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about the reasons of why I named "3:49" what I did. But potentially long story short there were reasons and I just realized that to one extent or another those reasons all involved some sort of death. Whether a fictional death or just a fateful turning point in life, the naming of 3:49 was rooted in death. This was a point that was only brought to my attention, by myself, on this very morning. Or, if you want to get technical about it, Sunday morning, as it is almost one in the a.m. on Monday morning as I write this... Anyway, back to matters on hand. For some reason it seems, as of late, that I have become more of a glass half full person rather than the glass half empty guy that that I am fairly certain I used to be. I don't really know how, why, or exactly when this change started to come about. But it did. Can't say that I don't like it either. Granted, sometimes it still surprises me, but I think I can try to deal with that. And no, it is not a 24/7 type of thing. I still get agitated and negative and I'd like to think I haven't lost my sarcasm. But in general, things have a positive outlook. And this was all before the greatest segment of my life even began! So when I realized what the old blog really stood for, I decided that it was just time to start it all over again. So here it is.

There are probably quite a few of you out there wondering if possibly this change with me has been brought about because of having a female in my life. And, as most of you probably still don't know that I actually do have a girlfriend, this would be a viable question. But as I mentioned in that monster of an opening paragraph, most of this change occured before that special person really entered my day to day life. So...

Now that the cats out of the bag on me having a girlfriend...I suppose I have to at least tell ya'll a little bit about her. Her name is Shannon. She is quite probably the greatest person that God has ever put unon His beautiful Earth. I'll spare you all the mushy feelings...but really, she is an incredibly amazing person and the reason that I smile 8 billion times a day now.

And now on to the rest of my life...which is still mainly still only work and softball so I'm sure everyone will promptly stop reading now. But for those of you who have nothing better to do with your time, or are just hoping I say something else about Shannon...

Softball has been going fairly well. Still losing games, but the last 3 games we have lost by a total of 4 runs. So at least they have been close games and actually very fun to play in despite losing. I got to slide twice in our last game, something I haven't had an opportunity to do yet this season, and really, I can't say that I'm looking forward to doing it again... But it was SO worth it! The second time was a head-first slide into home, right between the catcher's feet, and I was safe! And yes, dirt tastes like dirt. Sure wish it tasted like chicken.

In related news...I'm moving again on Saturday. Just to another part of town. This will put me less than 5 miles from my jobs which will be such a blessing!

Aaaaaannnnd. I think that that's it for now. I'll be amazed if any of this made sense at all as it's coming around on two in the a.m. now and I really am probably at least still a good 15 or so hours behind on sleep for the last week and a half. And that's based on my standards of sleep, which some of you know is not necessarily normal. But really, when you think about it, life is pretty wonderful. Oh, almost forgot... One of the inspirations for the new blog name came from a quote I found.

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars." -- Henry Van Dyke

As always, there are other reasons, but I thought I'd at least share the quote as I think it's kind of a cool one. And with that, I'm off to home to get some sleep. Hope you enjoy the new blog and please feel free to invite anyone you think would actually want to read this to read...


music: "3 A.M. (acoustic)" -- Matchbox Twenty